Seaside living definitely has its perks ; but it also has its down side. Bars filled with parties year round. While the tourists are here and even after they hop on a plane home. Locals then celebrate their departure. For me and my husband... its paradise. To smell the sea salt in the air daily... There is nothing closer to heaven. We enjoy it and lived a boring life. Our 3 sons? Nope. They always have a "friend" or a situation... or someone in need. Its the fast paced mind of being young I guess... Fueled with the need to find love, friendship and their own path. I don't know what this blogs about. I guess we will all discover that along the way. I have so much going on... And each of my sons is different and unique. A story all their own... And that is my story. The story of an old woman (ok. they say I'm not old... but 3 boys can make you feel it. so my old is 42.) ... an old woman trying to find HER life. The paradise she thought she had... and lost... while her sons fight and struggle to grow up... and make wrong choices... And live. Hopefully it will be a Happily Ever After where they all become prince charmings. Where they find the princess and a decent career where they can pay the mortgage... and finally give me those grandchildren I can hop up on chocolates and goodies, spoil rotten and then ship home so I can curl up with my good book. I like a good Fairytale.

             Right now my life is a NIGHTMARE. Fueled by my sons addiction to fast paced living. I think he's addicted to being... addicted... if that makes sense. Driving fast... being stupid, drugs, lots. All kinds. Drinking? Always too much. Never just a beer at the end of the day. Not the example we set or the "plan". Yes. I thought I could have a plan... LOL... 5 year plan. Whats in the future? Silliness for sure. Plan a future. Nope not really. I can't even guarantee my belongings will remain in my home. (Our son and his fast paced fly by night boys have threatened to come into our house and take.... A threat I "deserved" for turning them in and setting up Rehab for my son.). 5 year plans are.... nice. Unrealistic as hell... But nice. Sure... lets look into the future. I see the Princesses and my sons all happy... I see me playing Frisbee with my grandkids on the beach. I see our sons hugging us and smiles and laughter... a 5 year plan... Thats where this blog can start. 

             My youngest and I had hoped for a Happiness Jar. http://www.ba-bamail.com/Content_7360/How_to_Make_2014_a_Happier_Year!.aspx The thought... a Happy one... Happy thoughts ALL YEAR LONG! One for every Happy Damned Day of the year! And Boy... was it going to be filled. Unfortunately we are on Day 15... My Jar still squeaky clean... we are waiting for the happiness to happen... Yeah. Its not. I sit and look at photos of warmth and happy days trying to make the happiness ooze out from whatever bodypart its hiding in... 

It doesn't work. The photo's make me smile... a smile with glazed over tear filled eyes as I wonder if my son will be alive tomorrow. If he will overdose and if we will get a call. I am sad and mad and disgusted all at once. THIS can't be MY life. I made sure it wasn't! I made the hard choices and left our quaint little village in the 1000 islands for this life! We gave up alot and built a fresh start... a new life... because I could see the future for my son... and I knew his addictive personality waaaay back then. Before he was an addict I knew he was an addict. I kept it secret... In my soul. My bestest best friends only knowing the truth... I believed one day I would have to fight this fight.
           So now I am starting the Day... January 15th... Hoping I can put my first piece of paper in my Happiness Jar. Have a great day! I hope your Jars are all filled to the top!