I am trying to move past my depression and disappointment. I realize I don't recognize my son anymore. But also am aware he seems oddly comfortable in the trailer park. I am suddenly very conscious of the fact that he seems to do the exact opposite of anything that may better his life. Before drugs, before alcohol. Before him just being a selfish.... Dick. There are no other words. My sons a selfish dick.
I think it finally set in my brain this last week... I knew it prior of course... but his friend calling me and talking finally clarified it for me. This friend... (the one who lived in my house for 8 months and used and lied to my family.) called... to apologize. To talk about what he did wrong. All the while I was aware of why he was calling. Tax papers are in. He knows his tax papers have "accidentally" been sent here... because neither of them had the sense to put in a change of address. Now of course I was also aware he was calling and NOT my son because my son is NOT sorry... (I am sure the "friend" isnt either... but the lying doesnt matter when he does it... He means nothing to us... too me... His words are empty... so lies? Whatever. ) I told Dan (the friend.) that I was still angry. That I was really detached emotionally now... like never before. My sons attempt at having me thrown in jail on false charges was the final straw. The hate he feels for me... High... drunk... sober... in general... all day every day for years... is beyond obvious. And its painful to the point I no longer want to fix it or be in pain. I asked Dan "Why? What was the reasoning?" . "Well the manager thought it would be funny... I had no part in it." (Uh huh. Wow. So this was comedy.). My husband is now supposed to meet with them... I of course was supposed to go... but honestly... I have nothing left emotionally or mentally to give to that situation. My husband didn't want me to press charges for their false charges. Thats hurtful too... It feels like my husband is again letting our son get away with the worst... I dont think my son has done anything worse then this... And there has been alot...

A few years ago he had left his email account open on my computer... I had seen a grant letter for college... I opened it hopeful that it would be a good direction for my son and hopefully he would be in college. How wrong I was... He had applied for a grant as an "abused" child. He had been turned down... The explanation was there was not enough documented proof. I showed my husband... and then went to my son... and asked... Why!??? He hadn't been spanked since he was 7 years old. (And then the only times our children were spanked was when they did something dangerous. Kyle once threw his brother off the top bunk of the bed cutting his head open and a large bump. When asked why? He said he didnt want him up there. He got a spanking and a lecture. Spankings only lasted 4 or 5 small taps on the butt... never abuse.) His reply too us was that he had "learned" when he moved in with his friends that if he lied about his childhood people offered him free things and did stuff for him. He learned of the grants from a teacher he had lied too... And he wanted the money. Heartbreaking. No guilt or thought to what he was doing. The stares that were sent in our direction... often with daggers in their eyes... he seemed unaware that people he was friendly with treated us differently. Or maybe he just didnt care. When people did know us? He dropped them... Women who helped pay his bills and who would loan him money ... he had no reason to speak to them after they contacted me for repayment... He knew after 15 minutes of getting the real story from us that he didnt need them anymore... because there would be no more sympathy... Just questions on why he lied. That was tough for me to get over... I thought I had... Until now. Him having the manager call the police... because its... "Funny" was too much for me. I have no more to give for now.  No hope that he will get clean or want more for his life... No more hope that these kids he hangs with will have real careers or futures. They all have records... and do drugs... and live in trailers... (Oh and now he is renting one too... a distant life from the one we have always provided for him... Owning our home and living on a Golf course.). I think the moment he quit caring was when he admitted to us they were buying the "spice" and "bath salts" at the gas station. He was doing drugs alot. He went from that to a serious cocaine problem. His roommate overdosed and died... Kyle... although living with the guy for a year , didn't even mourn. He said he didn't care... he didn't like him... But he kept his hat and wore it around like it meant nothing. I don't know this child. 22... with no soul. No feeling behind dead eyes.
So My husband needs to go meet them alone. My kids are scared... What if they do something to Dad? What if they lie and try to get HIM arrested? Well.... I imagine that means Dad shoulda parented Kyle before he hit age 22... When Kyle was calling me a bitch at age 15... When Kyle was telling me to "Shut up" at Christmas... When Kyle was telling me to leave and never come back... Maybe his Dad should have said... "Respect your Mother." and meant it.  All I know is I dont even want to see my son right now... Still. I worry he may die. That this may be it... that there may never be a time when its made right... But I know I can't do anymore. That I have no blame in it. That everything I tried to do was the very best parenting I knew how to do... and I have nothing I could do or give... differently... I couldnt love more...
I'm at peace with it. as much as you can be at peace with something thats wrong... completely. When you know you are right in it... but that the others are making a mess of it all... and you cant even sit and watch anymore.

I find myself unable to have real "discussions" with "friends" anymore. Most of my "friends" consist of people I have "been there" for ... emotionally... And they havent been here for me... So I feel let down. Best friends?  Maroon 5 says it best: 

"I was there for you

In your darkest times
I was there for you
In your darkest nights

But I wonder where were you
When I was at my worst
Down on my knees
And you said you had my back
So I wonder where were you".

Those verses could be repeated over and over for my theme song. So now I write this blog. People have asked me why I am writing this. They describe me... with words: "brave, stupid. clueless as to what may come of it all." Ha! All wrong. I started writing about my life and my viewpoint because it was my right to be heard. It was my right to have a voice. And this is it. And I have a responsibility... there aren't many with a story like mine... Orphan at a young age... in foster care... to grow up and have the health issues I have had and the accident and complications? To overcome that and have 3 children when Doctors said I would NEVER be able to have any...  2 autistic sons... And now one son so self destructive... Its a story that can't be matched in any book I have ever read... VC. Andrews couldn't imagine the twists and turns my life has taken. I am a survivor. A tired warrior... probably have a little PTSD... and the wear and tear? Forget it... White hairs and today... with the cold... I don't even want to move... I am in so much pain physically in my bones... and have never allowed myself to douse myself with painkillers even on my worse days... 

        So now I don't answer the phone when I don't want to talk... or I have no positive energy left... Whats the point... I keep my energy for people who can make me smile. Its a new condition I have made for myself... that noone knows about... "I couldn't reach you Cindy" Yes. sometimes I am just... unreachable. I'm tired of wishing my life were some other way. I need to let this all go... and somehow get happy again.