Last nights walk on the beach made me reflect. I realized on a good day? I feel like the Mad Hatter... In  a world I don't belong. Out of place and sorts... Realizing people are about as nice as you let them be , or you pretend they are. Last year was an endless WAKE UP call. A very close friend had not only hurt me... but hurt my family deeply. I realized that there was no amount of time you could get to know a person... and not have them turn on you in a way that you would never expect. When backed into a corner to face what they have said and done...ultimately they will show you their true colors... YOU... not the rest of the world... for the rest of the world? They will continue to lie and point fingers because you now know the true person. I take friendships seriously. I try to cultivate long lasting friendships that withstand the tests of time. I have a few. And even these I am unsure where I stand. I know I have repeatedly been there for others... but there hasn't been many times I have ever asked someone to be there for me... us... a family unit. Its strange. I assume in normal every day society... that one ultimately knows when a friend is needed; (Well a GOOD friend.) and they will reach out. During serious family illness? Nope. A crisis? Nope. A death? Nope. How about families? Best not to go there. Much of the same. John and I walk the beach and I tell him...... I'm lost in it all... Life sucks. Earth SUCKS. People LARGELY suck. I'm mad. I'm angry that Kyle and his addiction seems to be the norm in society. Drinking and smoking. That television is REALLY now a "Boob tube".

boob tube (n.)

"television set," U.S. slang, by 1965, from boob "stupid person" + slang tube (n.) "television, television programming," because the sets really did have vacuum tubes in them once upon a time.

 Even in our own home. Where I used to have them watch educational TV.... Society won out... Hard... Educational TV. wasn't even a runner up.  I look at the Hulu selection choices... And most of it is animated. Things that were once banned from my TV's are now every day normal program watching. The Simpsons (longest time banned from our household. My mother-in-law watched it and insisted my kids could too... This was a source of many a fight my husband and I had... until my mother-in-law got terminal cancer. Terminal cancer wins the battle. And yup. My children forever from that moment on chose the Simpsons. Kinda like Eve and that forbidden apple.) , Full Metal Alchemist (quite honestly I have never watched an episode... But assumed from the brief glimpses... I would hate it.),  American Dad (Aliens and Republicans? ummm no.), Southpark, (no no no no no no no... But they LOVE some Southpark and will watch SEASONS in one sitting.They have tried to force it on me SEVERAL times and when they find an episode they think will "finally win me over" they badger me to watch. So far 0-0. I'm not winning obviously... and neither were they. and a few more other cartoony adult shows I just don't get. When Big Bang came on TV I thought... finally! A comedy that I can watch with my kids and ENJOY... My eldest son won't watch an episode. "A show about SMART people? Thats funny? Nope." Exactly. We are on two different sides of the court. And it all started with Simpsons and a bad case of cancer. 

It may have been different if my husband had been on my "side". Which... he wasn't. Isn't. He really still doesn't see the connections. I wanted the kids to be athletic and outdoorsy. Hiking... Biking... Swimming... Things that end in "...ing"  TVing? Nope. Doesn't work. Videogaming? Ut Uh. And we never quite got there. My 3 herniated discs often left me in horrible pain. (I refused and still do... to take painkillers... Unless I can barely move.) and my very active childhood was to be repeated by my husband... as I sat at the sidelines cheering them on.  This didnt work. Not even a little. My once very athletic husband sat on the sidelines with me. I imagine just to keep me company. Now I am not thinking my children would be in the NBA. I'm not one of those mothers. But OUTSIDE!... Fresh air... Sunshine... Vitamin D in its purest form! It was a huge part of the reason I left Ny. Actually my reasoning was...

1. If we stayed in New York my husbands family or MY family will be the first people to introduce our kids to drugs and alcohol. (A challenge my father in law decided to prove me right on almost immediately. We announce our intent to move and that night he offers our 3 children a "beer with grandpa". Our children then 10, 12 & 13. Pack faster.
2. It's the ocean. Really. Do we need to question further?
   
3. Your career choice isn't that unique where we couldn't find a job paying just as well down there as we are making here. (Sadly still true.)
4. My brother needs help with my niece and nephew. They are grieving for a mother that they lost too soon to cancer. I know that life better then anyone since I lost mine when I was 4. History repeating itself... We should be there so they don't feel so lonely. ( A good point at the time... but my brother had baggage that I didn't know about. Ugh. Thats a whole book by itself. I love him. But not his choices.) 
5. I am miserable in Ny. Too cold for too long. Too much snow. (I end up doing all the shoveling with 3 herniated discs.) I am in constant pain and discomfort. There is NO SUNSHINE. None. The 3 months of decent temperatures often are filled with rain and clouds. 
6. Name one reason or person in why we would stay? (He had none.) 

What should have been a new life and fresh start? Good... But the baggage we had followed. My concern's (rightful) that my son would develop addiction issues because he is a follower and not a leader and would do anything to "fit in" and go with the crowd? Yup. Still happened... just different scenery to enjoy while contemplating it all. At least I can pull up a beach chair and wonder where we went wrong. I know Homers "Duff Beer" drinking problem probably ISN'T responsible. Alot of self reflection at this point... Wondering which part I got wrong.

I'm not sure that I did... It could be the draw of the cards in this Cosmic Joke of a life. I mean... Card drawing in this life? I was NOT dealt a winning hand on any account.  I try to justify this as "none of us are." Uh huh. And then I view my surroundings mentally... Unfortunately there is nothing... and noone I have even accidentally brushed up into in life that even competes with my sad story. One time while I was seeking help for myself and our family I was asked to tell my story so they could better asses our needs. First they questioned if it was all true. When I assured them it all was... they went to whomever was supposed to "help" with counseling..... therapy... And I was told " We are ill equipped to handle a case like yours. We have never had to deal with someone with your background or back story. They wouldnt know where to begin. " They of course were polite... had suggestions on where to try next... But not something that settles well in your soul. I know my childhood was a horror story. I lived it... (and still find humor in it and laugh about it... Daily.). It was once suggested to me that I write a book. Get it all down... "It will be therapeutic and help many people I am sure... With no voice and a tale similar to yours. Maybe other foster children... A tale of survival and a true achievement... " (They pointed out I was a survivor. Yes. Real survivor with the scars to prove it.). I said I had nowhere I would start but the beginning... and how do you right a book with that many twists and turns? You can't! Well not in a way that ends after 250 pages. It ends up being a VC. Andrews series. Flowers in the Attic part 1,2,3,4,5... I joked I was the original "Flower in the attic". No really. True. Old farm house in upstate Ny. My father shacked up with his Girlfriend after our mother died. I learned 4 years ago they were nudists. Real Nudists... Walked around Nude. Ok. I would have thought I would REMEMBER that... Well No Cindy... You wouldn't... You were in the attic. I was? I WAS!!!!!!! Yup. Deep deep in my mind... I remembered the attic well... And wondered what the HELL I was doing in the attic and why I was up there for so long... as a kid... cobwebs... broken toys... Dark and hot. Only one window that didn't open. Yup. There I was in the attic for months. I remember falling down the attic stairs... cracking my head open twice. Hitting the antique table at the base of the stairs and being yelled at for hitting it. Well GEE CINDY... What kinda fantasy land were you in that you had no idea you LIVED at a nudist camp? (I think it would have been officially called a camp... I was told other nudists were invited to go... be.... nude. Something I have never grasped. Not the Nude part. The walking around and living nude. I am a spiller by nature... Hot food's usually fall down my chest. It would not be an effective way of life for me... And Bacon... You definitely couldn't pan fry bacon. These were the points I made when my brother and father revealed the secret. I am super practical... Naked Cindy? Not practical at all... Don't you stick to the picnic table in the summer?) Yes. My life was a novel. No... correction... Horror novel. It could only be written as fiction... because I didn't want to always answer "Did this all REALLY happen?" If I actually published it as Nonfiction. 

Needless to say I didn't write the book. The publisher? My friend questioned if it was an actual publisher or a scam. (in my head I still think... Worse scam EVER... so must have been a real publisher.) I imagine he lost interest when I didn't submit a copy for review and couldn't get past sections, chapters and notes. I lost the contact information. My husband encouraged it... Thought I would do well with it... says its fascinating and he wonders how I survived it. He randomly splurts out... "Your Dads a stupid bastard!" Most recently when I found out my uncle had died... He's more mad at my father then I am... I never tried to give it much fuel... Never too much of my energy... My father has always tried to get me to sympathize for him and he sucks my energy when I have allowed it. My son will never know abuse. They just didn't. He lies and claims he did. Words like... 'My dad was mean and my moms INSANE!" Insane.... I debate it. I don't like the HULU list and they are all popular choices. Maybe I am insane.

I always have a different perspective.